Even alone, I didn't feel "lonely"—How a Cat Changed My Perception of Solitude

Everyone experiences days when they feel "lonely" or "all alone." However, being someone whose mental state isn't particularly strong, I often found myself dominated by such feelings, losing control of my emotions.

But living with my beloved cats changed how I perceived "loneliness." My outlook and how I spent my alone time also transformed.

My cat filled the void of loneliness on days when my family wasn't home

I had always viewed the word "alone" negatively. Everyone in my family did the same things at the same time. Since this was the norm in the family I grew up in, after marriage, I didn't know how to spend time by myself.

While I was fine doing things alone outside, I disliked being home by myself. Every time my husband went out, I felt overwhelmed by an indescribable sense of anxiety and loneliness.

Even when I was doing something I liked in the empty room, I couldn't concentrate and kept wondering when my husband would return. I never once felt comfortable during my alone time.

But since I started living with cats, I feel like my mind has become a bit more stable. Because I started thinking, "Even though I'm the only human, there are warm, comforting presences by my side."

Whenever I move, my beloved cats all move in unison. Even if I just walk around the room a little, they follow me, meowing. Seeing them like that always made me smile and feel at ease, knowing that "my family is home."

Cats aren't just animals; they're family of a different species. I feel like the origin of this belief lies in the experiences where cats saved my heart.

Saved by my beloved cat who unconditionally accepted my broken self...

At one point, with unstable mental health, I lived constantly thinking, "I want to disappear." The question always on my mind was, "What is the meaning of my life?" I think I was at my breaking point.

It was my beloved cats who warmed my heart during that time. Back then, my spirits would sink at night, and an indescribable, intense sense of loneliness would creep in. One day, after my husband fell asleep, I left the bedroom and went to the living room where my cats were. Crying, I stared at the road in front of our house, imagining death, thinking, "If I just lay down there..."

Then, my cat came over to me from out of nowhere and rubbed against my body with all her might. Usually, she's independent and sometimes doesn't come when called, but she stayed right by my side, as if sensing my inexpressible loneliness.

With my face drenched in tears and snot, I hugged my cats tightly. Feeling their warm body temperature, my heart strangely calmed down.

Since then, whenever loneliness intensified and my heart ached, I would go to the living room and hug my cats tightly. Sometimes, they would even lick away my tears.

The warmth of life deeply permeated my heart, which was at such a breaking point that the sense of duty "I must live for these children" didn't even cross my mind.

Seeing my cats accept "my broken self" that I could only show because they weren't human, I thought, "There are beings who will accept even my hopeless self unconditionally," and I was able to forgive myself a little.

Now, my heart aches less often than before, but when I feel "somewhat lonely" in the middle of the night, I still go to the living room and hug my cats.

Hearing their heartbeats and purrs, and seeing their innocent attempts to bite my hair, reassures me that "I'm not alone," and I can sleep peacefully. My cat has become like a tranquilizer for me.

Learning to view "loneliness" positively through spending time with my beloved cat

Spending days with my beloved cats, who are like tranquilizers, gradually changed how I perceive "alone time" and the feeling of "loneliness." This is because my cats snuggled up to me and made me feel, "I'm alone, but I'm not lonely."

When I'm home alone, I'm happy to have my beloved cat, Leon, who usually dotes on my husband, all to myself. I'm also comforted by the warmth of my beloved cat, Kotaro, who stays by my side no matter what I'm doing.

Lately, the equation "alone time = lonely" that has always been in my head seems to be breaking down. Now, I think of "alone time = luxurious time to heal myself."

This shift in thinking came about because my beloved cats consistently conveyed, "You're not alone," through their actions every time I felt lonely. For example, when the right half of my face became paralyzed due to facial nerve palsy, they touched my face with their paw pads, warming it.

After my divorce from my ex-husband, the frequency of them coming to the cat room next to my office increased, and they showed gestures as if caring for me. When I couldn't be strong, my beloved cats always seemed to be conveying their love through their own actions, as if saying, "It's okay to be yourself."

Including my late cat, I have nothing but gratitude for all the cats in my home.

Even negative emotions can be perceived differently just by changing one's perspective. And there's not only "lonely solitude" but also "comfortable solitude." Because my beloved cat taught me that, I learned that "loneliness" has different qualities.

While conveying my heartfelt "thank you" to my beloved cats, I want to continue enjoying "quality solitude" with them.

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