Even alone, I didn't feel "lonely"—How a Cat Changed My Perception of Solitude

Everyone has days when they feel "lonely" or "all by myself" while living their life. However, since I was never mentally strong to begin with, I often had days where those emotions took control, and I couldn't keep a firm hand on the helm of my own heart.

But through living with my beloved cats, my perception of "loneliness" changed. How I accept and spend my time alone changed as well.

It was my cats who filled the loneliness of "days when my family isn't home"

I had always perceived the word "alone" negatively. My family doing the same things at the same time—that was the norm in the household I grew up in, so after I got married, I didn't know how to spend time by myself.

I was fine acting independently outside, but I was bad at being home alone. Every time my husband went out, I felt crushed by an indescribable sense of anxiety and loneliness.

Even if I did things I liked in the empty room, I couldn't focus, feeling restless and wondering, "When will my husband be back?" I had never once felt that time alone was comfortable.

But after I started living with cats, I feel like my heart has stabilized a little. Because I started to think, "Even if I am the only human here, there is warm affection right by my side."

Every time I move, my beloved cats all make a mass exodus together. Even if I just walk a little way around the room, they follow me while meowing. Seeing them like that naturally made me smile, and I felt relieved knowing that "my family is home."

Cats aren't just animals; they are family of a different species. I feel like the origin of coming to think that way lies in this experience of having my heart saved by them.

Saved by my beloved cats who accepted even the broken version of myself unconditionally...

For a time, my mental state was unstable, and I lived every day thinking I "wanted to disappear." All I could ever think about was the question, "What is the meaning of my life?" I think my heart was at its limit.

It was my beloved cats who warmed such a heart. Back then, my spirits would sink at night, and I would feel an intense, indescribable loneliness... One day, after my husband had fallen asleep, I left the bedroom for the living room where my cats were. Crying, I stared at the road in front of our house and imagined death, thinking, "If I just lay down there..."

Then, my beloved cat came from somewhere and rubbed against me with all its might. Even though they are usually fickle and sometimes don't come when called, it stayed right by my side as if it sensed my inexpressible loneliness.

With my face a mess of tears and snot, I hugged my cats tightly. Feeling their warm body temperature, my heart strangely began to calm down.

Since then, whenever my loneliness grows and my heart feels pained, I go to the living room and give my cats a tight hug. My cats have even licked the tears off my face.

The warmth of life seeped into my heart—which was so close to the edge that even a sense of duty like "I have to live for these children" wouldn't come to mind.

Watching my beloved cats accept the "broken me"—something I could show only because they weren't human—I thought, "There is someone who unconditionally accepts even this hopeless version of myself," and I was able to forgive myself a little.

Although the times when my heart feels pained have decreased compared to before, when I feel "somehow lonely" in the middle of the night, I still hug my cats in the living room as I always did.

Listening to their heartbeats and purring, or watching their innocent behavior as they try to nibble my hair, I can feel relieved and sleep, thinking, "I'm not alone." My cats have become like a mental stabilizer for me.

Coming to perceive "loneliness" positively while living with my beloved cats

In the days I spend with my cats, who are like a mental stabilizer, my perception of "time alone" and the emotion of "loneliness" have gradually changed. That is because my cats snuggle up to me and make me think, "I am alone, but I am not lonely."

When I'm alone at home, I'm happy that I can have Leon, who is usually glued to my husband, all to myself. I am also healed by the warmth of Kotaro, who stays by my side no matter what I'm doing.

Lately, I feel like the equation I always had in my head—"time alone = loneliness"—is crumbling. Now, I think of "time alone = luxurious time to heal myself."

The reason this way of thinking was born is that every time I felt lonely, my cats kept conveying to me through their actions that "you are not alone." For example, when the right side of my face stopped moving due to facial nerve palsy, they touched my face with their paws to warm it.

After I divorced my ex-husband, they began to come more frequently to the cat room I set up next to my home office, acting as if they were worried about me. When I cannot be a strong version of myself, I feel that my cats are always conveying their love in their own way, as if to say, "It's fine just as you are."

Including those who have passed away, I have nothing but gratitude for my cats.

Even negative emotions can change depending on how you look at them. And besides "lonely loneliness," there is also "comfortable loneliness." Because my cats taught me that, I learned that there are different qualities to "loneliness."

While whispering a heartfelt "thank you" to my beloved cats, I want to continue enjoying this "quality loneliness" with them.

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