[Mental Health Care] To you after pet loss—you don't need to feel "guilty" as your sorrow fades

After losing my own cat, I began receiving frequent DMs from people struggling with concerns about their cat’s struggle with illness or how to cope with pet loss.

One message in particular left a lasting impression: "It hasn't even been a month since they passed, yet my sadness is already starting to fade. That feels so wrong, and it makes me a terrible owner, doesn't it?" Because I had experienced those same feelings myself, my fingers moved across my phone screen before I could even think, replying, "You are not a terrible owner; that is just a natural part of the process."

In this article, I want to share a perspective on grief for those who are living their post-pet-loss lives while carrying those same feelings. It is not a bad thing for your sadness to fade.

"Fading sadness does not mean fading love"

When we lose someone we love, tears come naturally. That is why we tend to equate grief with love. However, I believe that love remains firmly in your heart even after the tears stop falling.

In reality, even as your sadness fades, your love for your cat who has passed away remains unchanged. It is just that the way you express that love has shifted from actions like "crying" or "grieving" to something else.

Psychologically, it is said that humans go through four stages to recover from loss. Simply put, the process involves "being unable to accept the death and becoming emotionally numb," "beginning to acknowledge the loss but being overwhelmed by the surge of grief," "despairing and falling into a depressed state while unable to accept the loss," and finally "accepting the loss and rebuilding oneself."

For more details, looking up terms like the "four stages of grief" or "grief work" will help provide a clearer understanding.

The time spent in each stage varies by individual, and there are times when your feelings may sway back and forth like a balance scale. But as human beings, it is perfectly natural for sadness to fade with the passage of time. It does not mean you are "heartless."

As your grief fades, you may be tempted to blame yourself, wondering, "Did that child really mean that little to me?" But even that self-deprecation is rooted in love. I believe that if you didn't love them, such thoughts wouldn't even cross your mind.

Furthermore, your departed cat would never blame you for starting to smile again. After all, a cat who purred for you and showed you their innocent, authentic self would never want you to keep crying forever.

I truly believe that your precious cat lived—and continues to live even after passing—with the thought, "It makes me happy to see my favorite human smile." So, while you don't need to force yourself to smile, you also don't need to blame yourself for not crying.

The intensity of any emotion eventually fades

Still, when you start to dislike yourself for your fading sadness, please remember this: human beings are creatures who cannot sustain any emotion at peak intensity forever.

For example, even when something wonderful happens, we cannot maintain that same level of joy for months on end. From the day we feel "happy," that feeling gradually fades. Emotions possess that mysterious quality.

Grief is the same. No matter how deep your despair, it is impossible to carry that same level of sadness forever. It may be a defense mechanism of the heart, but I feel that human beings are equipped with a system that allows various emotions to fade little by little while absorbing new ones, often without us even realizing it.

When you view "grief" from that perspective, doesn't the guilt over not being able to carry the sadness of losing a loved one ease up just a little?

Thinking "Well, it's inevitable as a human..." might seem like just giving up, but I hope you can incorporate that way of thinking to protect your own heart.

It is precisely because you cried so much that you can find “new ways to love your cat”

It is not a bad thing for sadness to fade. It serves as a trigger to think about "new ways to love" your cat beyond just crying.

In fact, immediately after I lost my cat, the only way I could show my love was through the act of "crying." By holding the urn, staring at photos, and shedding tears as I thought of them, I was conveying, "I loved you so much," and "I wanted to be with you longer."

However, as the days of crying gradually decreased, my focus shifted toward finding "ways to continue living with my cat, even though they are no longer here." Physically living with a deceased cat is impossible, but psychologically, it is possible.

With that in mind, I ordered a memorial ring shortly after my cat's death and began wearing it every day.

At first, I would cry whenever I saw the ring. I cried at the coldness of the metal, which was nothing like my cat's warmth. But as I kept getting through each day, the sadness slowly began to fade, and my desire to "show my cat even more of the world" grew stronger.

Through this ring, I have my cat see night views and scenery we never saw together while they were alive, and I bring them with me to basketball games. Now, I truly feel that I am "living with my cat."

In this way, beyond the fading of sadness, you may encounter "new ways of loving" that weren't possible during their lifetime. Please see this as your heart entering a new stage and find a way to live with your late cat that feels right for you.

Owners who tell their cats, "We'll be together forever," are often the ones who struggle most with how to live after the end. But as long as you never forget, you and your cat can live together even after they have passed. I hope that what I’ve felt after pet loss serves as something to help ease the pain in your heart.

See all articles by this author＞＞