[Pet Loss Experience] Words you want to tell yourself on nights when "I could have done more" regrets don't stop

Whether it's a sudden death, a death after a long illness, or euthanasia, each cat's journey is unique. Since no two deaths are the same, it's hard to alleviate grief and suffering even by talking to people in similar situations.

No matter how much you do your best while your beloved cat is alive, it's common in pet loss to blame yourself, thinking, "Couldn't I have done more?"

At such times, we tend to be harsh on ourselves, but the departed pet surely wouldn't want that. This time, based on personal experience, I'd like to share some words of encouragement that you should tell yourself on those difficult nights.

To your departed cat, you were the best owner.

"If I hadn't been their owner, maybe they could have lived longer..." When you lose your beloved cat at a young age or have regrets about their treatment, such self-negating thoughts can arise. 

I was exactly like that. After losing my cat Jiji, I was filled with self-negation every day. Jiji didn't get along very well with our other cat, Kotaro, and only showed affection when it was just the two of us.

When we were alone, away from the other cats, Jiji would purr especially loudly, expressing how happy he was. 

Because of his personality, after Jiji passed away, I blamed my 10-year-ago self for choosing to have multiple cats.

If I had chosen to have only one cat back then, would he have been less stressed and lived longer? Would he have been happier with another family? The "what ifs" were endless. 

Unable to bear the pain, one day I told my husband how I felt. After listening to me quietly, he said something I hadn't expected: "On the contrary, maybe because you were his owner, he was able to live so long."

I pushed back against my husband's kindness, saying, "That's not true," but he still affirmed my "way of loving my cat." He mentioned that I was particular about the quality of cat food, discovered his heart disease early, and desperately tried to find treatments for hemangiosarcoma... From an outsider's perspective, he thought I was a good owner.

His words, coming from someone who had witnessed us up close, brought me great solace.

Honestly, I don't really know what makes a good owner. After all, humans can only imagine what cats are feeling when they provide care and look after them. But on the other hand, when I see other owners, I think, "Isn't someone who has the desire to understand, to comprehend, and to protect already a good owner?"

I'm sure that if you're asking yourself, "Was I a good owner?" then you were a good owner, and the best owner, for your beloved cat. Because to think and worry like that is proof that you loved a life with all your heart.

Regrets will endlessly surface, but as long as your love was true, I believe you were the best owner.

Looking back, Jiji was independent but also groomed his fellow cats and formed cat piles. I thought I had only caused him stress, but perhaps there were feelings he only got to know because he lived with us and because I was his owner.

You can't measure love for your cat by the amount of money spent.

Even if you desperately want to save your beloved cat, there are times when it's financially difficult. It's certainly important to set aside money in advance so you can provide lifelong care before bringing a life into your home.

However, unexpected things happen in life. Anyone can suddenly face an illness for themselves or a family member, or be caught in an unexpected disaster. In such situations, the amount of money available for your cat's treatment might be limited.

There are various cat diseases, and some diagnostic tests alone can cost hundreds of thousands of yen.

When you bid farewell to your beloved cat in such circumstances, feelings of anger and helplessness often well up. There will surely be days when the social media posts saying, "If you don't have money, don't own pets," pierce your heart.

However, I don't believe that "being able to spend money on your beloved cat equals love." Of course, you must have enough money to ensure they don't go hungry and can visit the vet if something happens. That's essential for protecting their life. 

But just like humans, I believe cats need emotional care as well as material care. Playing with them a lot while they're healthy, or spending as much time as possible with a beloved cat whose end is near—that is also love.

I believe it's also an act of love to consult with a veterinarian, considering your cat's age and condition, and finding the best way to battle illness or care for them at the end of their life while also protecting your own well-being.

Money is indeed important, and it's better to have it. But it's not everything, and you can't measure love solely by the tangible form of "money spent on your cat."

So, even if you couldn't care for your beloved cat in the way you envisioned when you first brought them home, it's not your fault, nor does it mean your love was insufficient. You did your best with what you had at the time, so please don't blame yourself too much.

Your cat's sudden death is not your fault.

Saying goodbye to a beloved cat is painful in any form, but sudden death is particularly agonizing. When you lose your cat without the "preparation period" of battling an illness, it's easy to blame yourself, thinking, "Why didn't I notice?"

Even if others tell you, "They left while you weren't there so as not to make you sad," you might feel like retorting, "Only a cat knows what a cat feels." 

I'm probably one of those people who would feel that way, so I won't say such things. However, I want to convey that your cat's sudden death is not your fault. 

Heart disease is a common cause of sudden death in cats. Heart disease is said to be severe by the time symptoms appear, making early detection difficult. Also, there are cases like my Jiji, where there were no abnormalities in regular check-ups, but then suddenly, a fast-growing malignant tumor called hemangiosarcoma developed. 

In this way, there are diseases in this world that even veterinarians cannot detect and treat early. It's sadly impossible for us amateurs to detect them early. Therefore, your cat's sudden death is not because you were an inadequate owner.

Even the most knowledgeable owners can experience the sudden death of their cat, so please ease up on yourself.

Even after saying these words, there will surely be nights when you can't find an answer to the self-negating thought, "I could have done more." But I think that's okay. That regret is also proof of how deeply you loved your departed cat.

However, I don't want you to endure that suffering alone, and I want you to be a little kinder to yourself for having made it through today. Please remember that you are not a "bad owner," but a family member who stayed by their side until the very end.

See more articles by this author >>