The Never-Ending Regret and Guilt of Losing a Beloved Cat: How One Owner Found Freedom from Self-Loathing

Even if you feel you've done everything you could, when your beloved cat, who was always by your side, is gone, you might question the correctness of the choices you made.

"What if I had made a different choice then...?" Such "what ifs" can become relentless, leading to self-blame and deeper emotional pain, which is common after pet loss.

This time, I'd like to share some ways of thinking that can help protect your heart during such times.

To be free from "self-negation" for the sake of my departed cat

In fact, I myself questioned the correctness of my choices and severely blamed myself after experiencing pet loss. Honestly, even now, there are parts where I can't completely say, "That choice was the right one."

But then, it suddenly occurred to me: if I continue to self-negate and spend every day feeling 100% sad, won't I worry my cat in heaven?

It felt like my cat, Jiji, struggled to live until I could accept his death. As if to say, "You're still no good without me, are you?", even with pleural effusion making it difficult to breathe, he continued to eat and cling to life.

He drew his last breath only after I told him, "You can do whatever you want now, Jiji. I will respect any of your wishes."

I believe that gentle soul must have watched over me, carrying a parental concern that he couldn't rest in peace without hearing those words.

I don't want to worry Jiji, who cared for me until his very last moments. With that thought, I decided to find a way to accept the choices I made and forgive myself.

What I'm about to share is simply "how I forgave myself." I don't expect it to apply to everyone, but I hope it can be a trigger for even a slight change in days filled with self-negation.

① Objectively review your cat's photos

After pet loss, when self-negation becomes strong, negative thoughts like "Was my cat happy living with me?" or "Would they have lived longer if someone else had adopted them?" tend to arise easily.

At such times, I encourage you to look back at the photos and videos you've taken of your beloved cat. There should be many captured moments of your cat's unique expressions of affection, such as talking, rubbing against you, or even playful "tsun-tsun" behavior that they showed precisely because you were their owner and they trusted you.

When you view such moments objectively, without subjective bias, you'll likely think, "Maybe I did make my cat a little happy, even with all my flaws."

It's often psychologically difficult to see a deceased pet's living image right after their passing, so this method is best tried when you feel, "Maybe I can look at it now..."

Your beloved cat on the screen will surely have a happier and more content expression than you remember. Especially when you're sad or in pain, subjective thoughts can run wild, so I encourage you to calmly and objectively look back at the days you spent with your cat.

② Remember "what you were able to do," not just "what you couldn't do"

For a while after losing my beloved cat, I hugged his urn and kept apologizing for what I couldn't do.

I'm sorry I couldn't cure his illness. I'm sorry I didn't have the strength to take him to a different hospital, even if it meant forcing him. I'm sorry I chose palliative care over aggressive treatment, even though it was out of concern for his body.

And above all, I am truly sorry for deciding the treatment plan entirely based on human will, simply because I was his owner, even though it was about his body. I kept conveying those many "I'm sorries."

But then, one day, my husband said to me, "We couldn't save him, but we did our best. We desperately searched for a hospital that would see him over the New Year, and you visited him every day he was hospitalized. You also made sure he received all the treatment he could at the time. I think there was a lot we were able to do for him."

Was that how it looked from the outside...? As I realized that, I also keenly felt that I, myself, was the one who understood least what I had "been able to do" for my beloved cat.

When you're frantically trying to do something, time flies by. Unpleasant memories and regrets tend to stick strongly in our minds, so people often dismiss what they "were able to do" as if it "didn't happen" or underestimate it as "something that was expected."

But looking back carefully, I was indeed always earnestly and desperately trying to help Jiji.

Once I realized that and my perception of my actions changed, my heart felt a little lighter.

Looking at social media, I get the impression that many people, like me, regret "what they couldn't do" and fail to acknowledge "what they could do." That's why I want to tell you: In the midst of a battle against illness with no 100% correct answer, you undoubtedly loved your cat to the fullest, doing everything you could.

Don't belittle your own choices. Acknowledge the fact that "you did accomplish things" and forgive yourself, even if just a little.

I believe that because of "what you were able to do" and the choices you made after much deliberation at the time, your beloved cat was able to live even one day longer.

③ It's okay to have "a self that cannot forgive"

You want to eliminate the parts of yourself you dislike. When your "disliked self" appears, your heart suffers. So, when "the unforgiving me" emerged after experiencing the death of my cat, it was easy to think, "I can't be like this."

But I think it's okay to have "a self that cannot forgive." Because that self was born from a gentle feeling of truly cherishing your beloved cat and wanting to protect its life.

Was my choice the right one...? The time spent agonizing over this is certainly painful, and ideally, daily life should be as happy as possible. However, as guardians of life, not everything is happy, and there's much to learn from difficult experiences and arduous self-questioning.

For example, if we hadn't experienced the death of our cat, we wouldn't have felt the profound happiness of having our cat by our side so deeply. We might never have known the passionate feeling of wanting to protect a life with all our might.

Moreover, I believe that self-deprecation for not being able to protect a life can sometimes lead to the power to protect the next cat we welcome or someone else's beloved cat.

You, who question the correctness of choices made amidst worry and hesitation, are someone with a wonderful quality of prioritizing other lives over your own. On days when you can't forgive yourself, accepting your feelings as they are, by thinking "It's natural to blame myself because I loved them so much," also leads to peace of mind, I believe.

You don't have to force yourself to be cheerful, nor do you have to torment the self that cannot forgive. Get as much sleep and food as you can, seek professional counseling if necessary, and take care of yourself, who faced a life so sincerely that you resorted to self-deprecation.

What your departed cat surely wants most is for their beloved owner to live happily even after they are gone. For the sake of this final act of "filial piety" towards your cat (and for my own sake too), it would be good if we could prioritize our own hearts.

See articles by this author＞＞